The Push And Pull Boyfriend From Hell

Some stories are hard to hear because they’re hard to imagine living. We share an anonymous submission with a trigger warning for sexual, physical, mental, and financial abuse, and we take it slowly because survival is already heavy enough. What starts as a “push and pull” relationship becomes a clear pattern of coercive control, where affection turns into punishment, questions get shut down, and a person’s reality gets rewritten until abuse feels normal. 

As the story escalates, the stakes become terrifyingly real: isolation, financial dependence, pregnancy, and the fear that the systems meant to protect survivors might not be safe or fair. We also talk openly about the complicated parts people rarely say out loud, like what happens when a survivor reacts and then gets punished for it, or when shelters and resources have barriers that don’t reflect the reality of trauma. This is a conversation about domestic violence that centers what survivors already know: leaving is not a single moment, it is a maze of risk, logistics, and fear. 

We end on what matters most: belief, support, and the daily work of healing. Healing is not a switch you flip. It can look like taking a jog, setting one boundary, learning to trust your instincts again, and realizing that peace is not suspicious. If you or someone you love is navigating intimate partner violence, this will help you name red flags, understand survival mode, and think about safer steps like building an exit plan and finding reliable resources. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more survivors can find these stories.

I hope you'll come back again,
Anonymous stories submitted through the Google Forms in my bio or the show notes
Google Forms:  https://forms.gle/ZtcURWeMqHUGjfhH8

Transcript

Welcome And Trigger Warning

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Welcome to Heal Feel Rise Stories After Silence, where we take anonymous stories and we read them to give people a voice. I'm gonna give a trigger warning for the submission that I have today. Today, this submission includes sexual, physical, mental, and financial abuse. If you cannot hear that right now or you're not in the right place or headspace, go and take care of yourself and feel free to come back at a later time. Alright, let's get into the story.

A Pattern Of Early Assault

SPEAKER_00 0:47

At a young age, I was sexually assaulted by a police officer. Sadly, that was the first of many times I went through being assaulted. Sometimes abuse starts slowly. And it can be really hard to recognize.

Push Pull Control Turns To Abuse

SPEAKER_00 1:00

At first, it seemed normal. The abuse didn't start right off the bat. My boyfriend, let's call him Ryan, that's a fake name by the way. He played the push and pull game, which is basically what it sounds like. Sometimes things were absolutely amazing, and other times he suddenly pushed me away. Without any explanation, I started to notice that he treated other girlfriends better than he treated me. When I tried to bring it up, I got shut down. Every time I tried to communicate how I felt, it would turn into verbal abuse. This was the moment I started to understand what was actually happening. It wasn't just conflict, it was abuse. I would have left. And a few times I did try, but I found out I was pregnant, so I stayed. Looking back, that was a big mistake. I can see how trapped I was. I wasn't in a financial position to leave, even if I wanted to. It felt like there was no real way

Betrayal, Rape, And Recorded Violence

SPEAKER_00 1:57

out. In 2021, he traded me for drugs to his friend, who then raped me and injured me severely. He had a friend who was a judge in my hometown. And because of that, I didn't feel like I stood a chance being treated fairly. Later on, I found out that Ryan was raping me in my sleep and filming it, putting it on the Rape Academy. I'm sure you guys have heard of this. It is on the news. If you haven't, um, there is something called the Rape Academy, where basically women are being filmed and husbands are showing each other how to knock their wife unconscious. It's really, really not a good thing. Um, anyways, so this happened on multiple occasions. Once he even did it in front of my young kids. Oh my god. I had to be given CPR, and since his father-in-law was a cop, I didn't feel like I could go to the police. Whenever I found out about the videos, I reacted. When I reacted to what I found out, I was the one who ended up being charged with assault, which made it even harder to access support systems like domestic violent shelters. I can't imagine going through that. That has to be so hard and not being able to get into shelters that's so hard, it must be really scary to go through something like that where the system that is supposed to help you isn't helping you.

How Abuse Traps Mind And Money

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Abuse is rarely just one thing. It can be physical, emotional, financial, or psychological all at once. It's often designed in a way where you lose stability and confidence, as well as your outside support. You start to feel like you don't have leverage anywhere. Honestly, what helped me survive at first was my anger. I started jogging. I started putting energy back into myself, in small ways at first, but this whole situation left me carrying a lot of anxiety, PTSD, and I had a difficult time trusting people as well as suicidal ideations. I wish that I had access to support back then, especially somewhere online that truly felt safe. But I'm

Healing, Self Trust, And Exit Planning

SPEAKER_00 4:11

healing. It is possible to heal. I'm still working on it every day, but I've started to get my excitement for life back again. If you are listening, or are or was in a similar situation, don't let anyone convince you that you're lying. And it's not your fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna say that again. It is not your fault. If you're in an abusive situation, try to build an exit plan, if it is safe to do so, and if possible, have access to your own money and resources. There are hot lines and domestic violence resources available. Many public places have numbers posted in restrooms, and that's a good place to start. A few things

What Abuse Looks Like At First

SPEAKER_00 4:54

that I would like to note about this submission. It's important to remember that we don't all know what abuse looks like or starts to look like. It doesn't always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes it starts with being dismissed, being made to question yourself, feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells. By the time that the abuse becomes obvious, most of the time you've already lost your control emotionally and financially. Or even both. We often hear about stories magically getting better, and that's not how healing works. Healing is different every single day. You're gonna have harder days than others. Healing isn't forgetting what happened, it's learning to carry it and not let it control your life. As I was reading this, it just hit me how much this person had to carry. Not just what happened to them, but the fear, the isolation, the financial dependence, the not being believed, and the feeling that she couldn't turn to the people that were supposed to protect her, the people that she's supposed to be able to turn to. When you're living in survival mode, you're not weighing out options and trying to figure out the best way to leave. Most of the time, you're trying to figure out how to survive the next hour. Everything becomes how to survive. Especially whenever children and housing and finances become involved. It makes it feel impossible. Another thing that stood out to me is the fact that abuse can change the way you see yourself. Slowly, over time, it can chip away at you and strip you of your confidence. It can make you question your own memories, instincts, and your own worth. Sometimes survivors spend years trying to build back up their confidence. And it's not because what they were told was true. It's because these things they were being told were told to them so often and so much that their brain started to believe it. And they have to unprogram themselves. And healing isn't about making one therapy appointment, having one good conversation, having a good day. It is about a thousand, a million little teeny tiny choices that we make every single day. It is deciding to get out of bed, it's deciding to give a boundary, it's learning to trust yourself. It's learning that peace isn't suspicious. That one I struggle with myself. Healing is about learning that you deserve kindness and respect. Something

When Systems Fail Survivors

SPEAKER_00 7:30

else I want to talk about, because I feel like we have to talk about it, is that the survivor was not able to have access to a domestic violence shelter because of the charge that they had, because of the assault charge they got, because of the way that they reacted. I think it's important to talk about because it reminds us none of these situations are black and white. There's not a one fix-all answer for these. Sometimes survivors get pushed to their breaking point. Sometimes, after years of being manipulated, controlled, and terrorized, they reach their breaking point. Sadly, there are survivors that fall through the cracks of a system that was not created for everybody. The system that was created to help them, the system that's supposed to help them, is not as easily accessible as it may seem. Some people are turned away from resources because they don't have enough room or because of the way they reacted to the assault that happened to them. Some don't have enough evidence, some are afraid to come forward. Whenever we talk about survivors, I think it's really important to remember that safety isn't as easy as making one phone call or going to one shelter. It can be really complicated and there can be hoops that people have to jump through. Sometimes people have to navigate a system that wasn't built for every survivor in mind. I think that's why compassion matters so much. We don't always know somebody's full story, what they've lived through, what they've been through. And we need to remember that before we judge someone, their choices, or their reactions.

Decompress, Closing, And Submissions

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Alrighty, we're gonna take a deep breath to decompress and let go of anything that we might be holding on to. So we're gonna go in and out. Okay, thank you for listening to that story. And if you're carrying any weight from this, remember that you don't have to process it all right now. And take care of yourself. Sorry for everybody watching this on the video. My camera cut out, and I am filming this at a different time. If you'd like to share your own story, you can submit it through the link in my bio or the show notes. We'll talk again soon. Thank you for listening to Heal Feel Rise Stories after silence. I hope you'll come back again. And remember, you are not alone, and what happens to you will never define you. Until next time.