Red Flags Can Look Like Love

Red flags don’t usually arrive with a warning label. They show up as constant texting that feels “sweet,” questions that sound like concern, and subtle pressure that slowly rewrites your freedom. I’m Erica Blake, and I’m taking a clear, honest look at the relationship patterns that confuse so many of us, especially after we’ve survived emotional abuse or a toxic relationship dynamic. 

We walk through the most common toxic relationship signs: control that wears a mask, the exhausting habit of walking on eggshells, and blame shifting that leaves you apologizing for having normal feelings and needs. I also talk about isolation, how it builds one cancelled plan at a time, and why cutting you off from your support system makes healing harder. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How did I miss that?”, you’re not broken. Many red flags don’t show up all at once, and that’s the point. 

Then we flip the script and name the green flags that actually matter: accountability that doesn’t turn into victimhood, respect that holds steady during conflict, consistency that feels stable, and encouragement that celebrates your growth instead of fearing it. We also get practical about rebuilding self-trust, listening to intuition, setting healthy boundaries, and learning that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. Most important reminder: you do not have to earn love, and love is not transactional. 

If this resonates, listen through the closing journal questions and take a quiet moment to breathe with me. Subscribe for more stories and tools, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find support.

I hope you'll come back again,
anonymous stories submitted through the Google Forms in my bio or the show notes
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Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Welcome to Feel Heal Rise Stories After Silence where we give a voice to the unheard, speak the unspoken, and remind you that you're not alone and what happens to you will never define you. I'm Erica Blake, and this is a podcast where I read real anonymous stories of abuse, survival, and what it takes to heal. Today we're gonna do something a little bit different, and we're going to talk about something that affects all of us relationships, red flags, green flags, and the things that we think are love. We're not just gonna talk about romantic relationships, we're gonna be talking about patterns and looking for signs. I'm gonna start by saying most people don't go into a relationship knowing that it's toxic. If they did, they probably wouldn't go into it. Toxic relationships don't start with screaming and yelling, manipulation, control hitting. It doesn't start that way. They often begin with excitement and that fresh butterfly feeling, just like you get in every

Red Flags That Start Small

SPEAKER_00 1:13

other relationship. And that's why it's so difficult to recognize it sometimes. A lot of times we ask ourselves, why did we miss these red flags? How did I not see it? But most red flags don't show up all at once. Someone doesn't start controlling every aspect of your life all of a sudden. It starts really small. Maybe they just want to know where you are. Maybe they text you constantly. Maybe they get upset whenever you spend time with other people. And early on in the relationship, honestly, these things can feel really flattering. It can make you think that they care. But sometimes what we think is care is actually control. So there's a difference between I care about your safety and I need to know where you are every single second of the day. And the difference between I miss you and I don't want you spending any time with anybody else. Control can wear a mask. It doesn't announce itself, it's not showing up with a big red warning sign on top of it. It really disguises itself as love and protection sometimes. But a healthy relationship does not require you to give up your freedom. Another red flag is whenever you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Have you ever found yourself rehearsing conversations before talking to them? How are they going to react? Will this upset them? How can I say this so that they don't blow up at me? Should I keep it to myself? That's something that's worth paying attention to. And healthy relationships. You should be able to express your concerns without fear. You should be able to disagree. And you should be able to have difficult conversations. Managing somebody else's reactions and emotions is absolutely taxing and exhausting. And over time, it can make you lose your voice. Another red flag would be everything is somehow always your fault. No matter what happens, you always end up apologizing. You're apologizing for being upset. You're apologizing to reacting to the bad thing that they did, apologizing for having needs, apologizing for having questions, apologizing for bringing up something that hurt your feelings. Eventually, maybe you start to wonder, am I the problem? Is it me? But accountability goes both ways. Both people need to take responsibility for what they did wrong. Healthy relationships involve two people sharing responsibility and caring about each other, not one person carrying all the blame. Red flag number four, we have isolation. Honestly, this is one of the most common tactics of unhealthy relationships that we see. And again, this happens really slowly. So oftentimes you don't notice it until it's done. Maybe they don't like your friends, maybe they complain whenever you spend time with your family. Maybe every time you go out, it becomes an argument, so you stop going out. Eventually it becomes easier to stay home and cancel plans and not go anywhere. And then before you know it, your support system gets smaller and smaller and smaller until you don't have one. And isolation is dangerous because we heal better whenever we have companionship. We don't heal better or cope well whenever we're completely cut off from everybody. It's not a good thing. Now, on the flip side, I think we should talk about some green flags as well, so it's not all negative here today. Healthy relationships are not just the absence of abuse. That should be the bare minimum. One green flag, for example, is accountability.

Green Flags Worth Trusting

SPEAKER_00 4:31

A person that can say, I'm wrong, I'm sorry, that's my fault, I understand why you're hurt, instead of turning themselves into the victim. Another green flag is respect, not just whenever they're happy, whenever you're happy, but respect when you're upset as well. Anyone can be kind when things are easy, but can they be kind when things are hard? Can they be kind while you're having a really hard argument? Consistency. You shouldn't constantly be wondering where you stand, where they stand. There should be a consistent baseline. Relationships should feel stable. Not perfect, but they should feel relatively stable. A really big green flag that I love is encouragement. Healthy relationships and healthy people want you to grow. They want to see you do good things, they want to see you succeed in life. They want you to reach your goals, they want you to reach your dreams, they want you to be happy, they want you to be independent and they celebrate your wins and they aren't threatened by it. Now, whenever we go into a new relationship, it can be really hard to trust ourselves again. Honestly, that's one of the hardest parts is learning to trust yourself again because you're like, well, I didn't make a good decision in the past. How

Rebuilding Self Trust And Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 5:46

do I know I'm gonna make a good one now? Right? Maybe your instincts were ignored, maybe you were too emotional, maybe you've been told that you're too sensitive, too dramatic, and then someone convinced you to believe these things with your own eyes, even when they weren't true. To heal, we have to reconnect ourselves. Pay attention to your feelings, listen to your intuition, learn that discomfort is important. Also, know that not all discomfort is bad, but we need to recognize whenever we do feel discomfort and assess. Learning that boundaries are very healthy and needed in a relationship. Whenever two people get into a relationship and you both have different ideas about the world, there's gonna need to be boundaries. Learning that saying no doesn't make you a bad person is another really big one. Being able to say no, being able to stop apologizing for every little thing, and saying, you know what, I'm allowed to not want to do this. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to choose myself because you are. And most importantly, you do not have to earn love. Love is not something you earn. Love is not transactional. It is not something that you should be, oh, I need to do this so that I'm loved more. You should not be sacrificing yourself for love. I'm gonna ask you a few questions at the end of this episode. Um, feel free to journal them, write about them, or if you don't want to answer them, that's fine too. Have you ever mistaken attention for love?

Journal Questions For Clarity

SPEAKER_00 7:25

What relationship lesson took you the longest to learn? What red flag do you now recognize much sooner? And what green flag do you value most today? And I'm actually gonna add one more. What is one thing you are proud of yourself for today? Because the little ones should be celebrated. So if you're listening to this and you've ever struggled with relationships, I really hope that this helps you. I really hope that in this series of videos you can find that you're not alone and that other people have struggled with the same things that you've struggled with, and that it's normal. It's also normal to have toxic tendencies after getting out of an abusive relationship as well. It's normal to have to work on those and work on yourself as well. It doesn't make you a horrible person, it just means there's room to improve. Alright. We're gonna do a deep breath just to regulate our nervous systems. Everybody, let's breathe in. And out.

Healing Reminder And Closing Breath

SPEAKER_00 8:50

I hope everybody has a good night or a wonderful day. If you have a story that you'd like to submit or a topic you would like me to talk about, you can submit it in the link in my bio or the show notes. We'll talk again soon. Thank you for listening to Heal Feel Rise Stories after silence. And remember, you're not alone, and what happens to you will never define you. Until next time.